Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Ok, so this is it- my favourite little indulgence moment- being alone with a stack of hand made books by me was definately better then having not done it.
They soon went to live in little children's book shelves - I know they are having a good life... some even went to schools with their children and I've had lovely responces from their teachers too.
I love books and they love me!
( at least thats what I'm telling myself and my partner so I can justify buying more books...well, at least they are usually from a second hand shop . while he- the man in my life- has to constantly make me more bookshelves)
I have a friend from way back ( he's dislexic so I can write freely - he would never spend time reading a blog - ha, ha- ps- I'm not laughing at dislexics- some of my favourite family memebers are dislexic )
so this friend is wildly talented- he makes wood cuts so beautiful , so meaningful and so skillfull - I think he is finally being respected for it but he spent many years subsidising his art by kitchen-handing.
I have been thinking about him one windy day while I was at the studio, I have been day dreaming how i could coax him into doing an illustration book with me-
meanwhile I was carving the lino WHEN i looked out the window and saw him walking by ...I wanted to wave and yell out but ...really how could I when the master of wood cuts would then see my childish, high school level attempt at lino cutting. So I let him walk by and thought I will bump into him surely- I always do....have I seen him since...no!!!
He has dissappeared- not in the way where the police should be involved but just holed up somewhere carving his wood.
Never mind, I will wait- I have written a story especially for him and will pounce on him the next time I see him appear back in the real world ( well, lets not get into that banal question of what is real - Buddhism clearly reminds me- that everything is an illusion)
And there it is...the final product- that weird object of six months spent.
The questions that go with it- not even the big questions of- was it worth it? Does it have any meaning? No, not those but rather ....the one which is always on my mind- is what I do legitimate? And if so in what way? The big problem for me is that creativity suddenly feels so indulgent. When my daughter cried and said - please Mama, don't go to the studio today! Should I have said ( to an emotional and tired two and a half year old- mind you ) no, mama has IMPORTANT work to do.??!!
But really it's not- I'm not saving the world and I'n not a film star who says ...I have been so blessed...that I can do what I love.
After all most people can do what they love - if they find out what that is.
My little book is an indulgence, it's just some silly story from my head which ended up on paper, and then I had loads of creative fun paying with colour, texture, paint and fabric and glue and stickers....just like a child. After all it is a story of my childhood- I always made up games ( I invented the dragon tree- yes, I was famous- on Harcerska street anyway )and kids were always asking me what they should do, how they should play- so I didnt even write any original idea I just remembered my childhood.
Well, I guess its natural when you have a child you look back of your life. When my step kids arrived in my life I was trying to recount how it was to think like an 8 or 12 old and now I'm going back in time again after having the little biological arrival. So really I not only cheated about my idea I also had far too much fun to call it work. So creativity not really a blessing but rather a challengo of how to justify it.